• The ideal ratio of negative and positive interactions for a healthy, well connected relationship according to Dr. John Gottman. (:37)
• Our human tendency to pay more attention to negative interactions than positive ones – and how that impacts relationships according to Dr. Rick Hanson. (1:23)
• How important it is to love and be loved with flaws – and what that allows for in a relationship. (2:14)
• How to keep a balanced view of our partner – and why that’s so important. (2:36)
• The downward relationship spiral I see so many couples get stuck in. (3:17)
• What the broaden-and-build theory says about how our negative or positive emotions impact what we notice about our reality – and our relationships! (3:40)
• A story about the sun, the wind and a man wearing a jacket that illustrates how we respond to negative and positive emotions. (5:32)
• How to practice gratitude to counterbalance negative emotions and build connection. (7:11)
• A simple way to shift the positivity ratio in your relationship. (7:40)
• A good formula for expressing appreciation. (8:36)
• When a stranger called me out on how I accept compliments – and why it’s stuck with me. (9:05)
• One key thing to do if you want to experience more love in your life. And it works whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not! (10:06)
•  

Hi Everyone,  I’m Michelle Becker and you are listening to the Well Connected Relationships podcast.  In today’s episode we will be exploring the power of gratitude and appreciation in relationships.

In his work with couples, researcher John Gottman talks about the importance of the 5:1 ratio.  Five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.  Couples who have this 5:1 ratio, or higher, have healthier relationships.  In my own work with couples, I’ve noticed that many couples, especially couples in distress, come closer to having 5 negative interactions to every positive interaction.  Following Gottman’s logic, the more stressful your relationship becomes, in other words the more negative interactions you have, the more important it is to take the opportunities to create positive interactions.  Yet, that isn’t what usually happens when a downward relational spiral happens.  Why is that?

It may have something to do with the negativity bias Rick Hanson speaks about.  He says we are like Velcro for negative emotions and Teflon for positive emotions.  In other words, we pick up on and hold on to negatives, but positives seem to slide off of us without us noticing too much.  But that’s not the whole story here.  After all, in the beginning of relationships we are dosed with a hormone cocktail that keeps us from seeing the negatives, all the while basking in delight over our new love interest.  You might say we see everything about them through rose colored lenses.  Unfortunately/fortunately that cocktail wears off.  And then we see those qualities in our partner that we don’t really care for.  That’s important, actually, because we do want our relationships to be based in reality.  And we can’t really ever feel loved and accepted by our partner if they don’t see our flaws.  We don’t want them to love an image of us.  Rather we want to be loved as we are- with all of our imperfections.  Then we can relax and know we are safe to be vulnerable in this relationship.

When, as Gottman suggests, we are able to see the negative in the context of the positives, we can keep a balanced view of our partner and our relationship, with an overall sense of the positive value in this person and this relationship, even if this particular moment is one of the negative interactions.  But we need significantly more positives to hold the negative. At least 5:1 in Gottman’s research.  By the way this ratio of more positive to negative holds true in all of our relationships, though the exact ratio may vary.  It seems a ratio of 3:1 is important in the workplace.  But I digress.  

What I see in my work with couples, is that it’s really easy to get stuck in a loop that I call a downward relational spiral.  I see a flaw in you, and then you see a flaw in me for seeing that flaw- and other flaws in me too, which only makes me see more of your flaws and see you in a worse light and down the drain we go….

I’m a big fan of Barbara Fredrickson’s work, especially her broaden and build theory.  She points out that negative emotions narrow our field of vision, while positive emotions broadens it.  This makes sense, because if we are worried about the wildfire raging nearby, our attention does need to narrow and focus on preparing for the fire and how we will survive it.  In contrast, however, when it’s a beautiful sunny day we may find ourselves heading outside for a walk, curious about our surroundings.  It’s then that we may notice the beautiful sunset or that the berry bushes are full of fruit.  

A similar thing happens in our relationships.  When we fear being hurt, or are feeling hurt, our attention narrows down to all of the ways we have been hurt, or might be hurt in the future.  And we find ourselves in the threat/defense system- fighting with our partner, fleeing by withdrawing to create safe space between us, or freezing- finding ways to appear less of a threat to our partner, often by placating them.  Remember that the threat defense system is protection and safety seeking.

But when we are experiencing positive emotions, we don’t need that protection and safety seeking.  In fact we feel safe to open up and be vulnerable.  And in that opening up we show who we are and we have a chance to be seen and loved as we are.  Vulnerability is foundational for intimacy and we feel safe being vulnerable when we feel a positive connection with others. It’s as if we’re saying, “Oh you like who I am, ok, well let me show you a little bit more”.  And, generally speaking we like being liked.  We can catch positive emotions from each other just as easily as we catch negative emotions.  

There’s a story I like that illustrates how we respond to positive and negative interactions.  Here’s how the story goes:

One day the sun and the wind were looking down on earth and they spotted a man with his jacket on.  They decided to have a little contest to see who could get the man’s jacket off.  The wind went first and blew and blew and blew.  And the harder he blew the tighter the man held to his jacket.  The sun said, “Let me show you how it’s done” and she began to shine her warmth on the man.  As she did, the man relaxed his hold on the jacket.  As she shine a bit brighter and brighter, the man became warm and took his jacket off.  

So often we want our partners to change, but the very way we approach them makes them feel defective or under attack and they armor up.  When instead we’ve built a base of warmth with them, by letting them know we see and appreciate their good qualities, there is no need for armor.  We can let them know we are struggling with something they’ve done or are doing and what we need.  Often feeling connected, and secure in the connection between us, they can tolerate the discomfort and continue to show up for us.  

Barbara Fredrickson also points out that love is really built on micro moments of connection, a positivity resonance.  When we experience positive emotions together we feel loved.  So there are really two parts to gratitude and appreciation: first we need to train ourselves to notice, savor and appreciate when our partner (or anyone else in our lives) does something kind or otherwise shows one of their good qualities, and second, when we receive appreciation from our partner we need to take it in and appreciate the giver too.  We can share those moments of resonance.

The key is to begin by actually noticing those things our partner does that matter to us.  Especially the small things that we can easily take for granted.  Most mornings, for example, my husband makes a cup of coffee for me.  Although he doesn’t drink coffee himself, he’s actually become better at it than I am.  It would be easy to take that for granted, not to notice it- or him, but I do appreciate it as an act of love. How many of these small acts of love are you missing in your own relationship?  Your partner who takes care of paying the bills, for example, is actually being kind and generous with you.  

When we take the time to notice the positives, like that cup of coffee, notice the positive effect it has on us- in my case I feel loved when he brings me coffee- and follow through by appreciating them, we can naturally shift into that positivity ratio.  A good formula for appreciation is: I love the way you. Blank.  When that happens I feel. Blank.  Thank you. So in my case it’s I love the way you bring me coffee in the morning.  When that happens I feel loved.  Thank you.  

And then his face lights up.  It feels good to be appreciated.  And it feels good to appreciate someone who appreciates being thanked.  

I was once standing in a group of people and someone complimented me on something.  Like many others, I reflexively deflected the compliment.  And someone else in the group, a stranger to me, called me out on it.  He said when someone gives you a compliment it’s like they passed you a note with the word love written on it.  When you deflect it it’s like you take that note and tear it up.  You send the message to the giver that their love doesn’t matter to you.  He was right and that lesson stuck with me.  Of course, I still don’t like compliments that feel overly sugary or place me on a pedestal in some way.  But this was someone’s genuine appreciation and I’d been careless with it.  

How do you do with receiving appreciation?  When we receive it with grace and appreciation- sharing that micro moment by smiling and saying thank you or how kind of you to say so, we are actually engaging in a moment of love.  

It turns out that if you want more love you only need to pay attention. Love is all around you.  And you can find it by taking a moment to be grateful for those small kindnesses others extend to you, or by being the person to extend kindness toward others. And when gratitude and appreciation are shared with another – in other words, positivity resonance- they become moments of love.

Extro:  That’s all for today’s Well Connected Relationships podcast.  Thanks for being here.  If you’d like to get our notes on the highlights of this episode, along with a simple practice to cultivate gratitude and appreciation in relationships, be sure to join our Well Connected Relationships community on the Wise Compassion website.  I’ve got so much more in store for you.  So be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.