• Why, as wonderful as self-compassion is, on it’s own it is incomplete. (:48)

• How tending to our own needs in relationships is also wonderful, necessary and incomplete. (1:10)

• What opening to our own struggles and difficulties teaches us about the nature of suffering and how it allows us to better identify suffering in others. (2:25)

• What recognizing common humanity teaches us about the needs of others. (4:20)

• What happens when we get overly attached to our own suffering. (6:10)

• Why we often get stuck in an invisible tug of war between getting our own needs met and meeting the needs of others. (6:50)

• The secret sauce that allows us to move more easily from self-compassion to compassion for each other — and why it feels like relief to both partners! (6:23)

Michelle [00:00:02]

Hi, I’m Michelle Becker. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, an international compassion teacher. And you’re listening to the Well Connected Relationships podcast. Together, we’ll explore how compassion changes the way you relate to yourself and others. And we’ll give you the tools to change your relationships for good. 

Hi, I’m Michelle Becker, and you’re listening to the Well Connected Relationships Podcast. This episode is the second in a series of three episodes in which we explore compassion and relationships. And I’ll try to keep it short today. In our last episode, we looked at how self-compassion supports relationships. In this episode, we will explore how to bridge from compassion for ourselves to compassion for others. 

As wonderful as self-compassion is on its own, it’s incomplete. Just like each of us on our own is incomplete. We all need to be part of a larger system, whether that systems your family of origin, a family of friends, a spiritual community, or a romantic partnership. Being born human involves the need to belong to something bigger than ourselves. We are stronger together. This means that we need to tend to not just ourselves, but to the people in our system. And if we’re really seeing clearly, we understand that all humans, animals and the earth itself are part of our entire interconnected system. What happens to one part of this system ultimately affects everyone. For example, the destruction of the rainforest decreases carbon capture and feeds global warming. Global warming is causing death and destruction through higher temperatures, flooding, fires and so on. And these things are also harming crops and interfering with our food supply. 

For now, though, let’s just stay with people, especially people we feel close to or interact with on a regular basis. How do we move from self-compassion to compassion for others? As we discussed in the last podcast. Self-compassion has three components, according to Dr. Kristin Neff. Mindfulness, common humanity and kindness. I like to look at compassion through the lens of these same components. 

Let’s start with mindfulness. One of the great things about tending to ourselves when we’re struggling is that through our own experience, we begin to understand the nature of suffering. We know what it feels like to be left out, to be scared, to be injured. And we can use this understanding to recognize and even predict the suffering in others. Just as we know that stepping on someone’s foot is likely to cause physical pain because it hurts us when someone accidentally steps on our foot. We also understand the causes of emotional pain through our own experiences of fear, loneliness, sadness, and so on. In other words, when we open to our own struggles and difficulties, we learn more about the nature of suffering itself. We grow in understanding, and we can use this same understanding to identify and predict suffering in others. We can use the practice of mindfulness to shine a light on our own suffering and to shine a light on someone else’s suffering. And when we explore our own, we grow in wisdom. We come to see more clearly the nature of suffering, and we can better identify it in others. 

Likewise, we can explore the component of kindness in the same way when we tend to ourselves with compassion, we begin to understand what feels good, what is helpful and what isn’t. We know how good it can feel to hear some kind words, to feel safe and protected, to be encouraged. And in this same way, we grow in the skill of kindness. We begin to understand the types of things that others need when they’re struggling. The more we explore what we ourselves need when we’re having a hard time, the more we instinctively understand the nature of kindness. Kindness toward others comes more naturally. 

But the biggest factor in bridging from compassion for ourselves to compassion for others comes with the component of common humanity. I see each of these components as along a spectrum. In our last episode, I talked about mindfulness as along a spectrum. On one end is not noticing at all. And on the other end is falling into the story and ruminating. Mindfulness sits in the middle of the spectrum as a balanced awareness in the same way I see common humanity as along a spectrum. On one end of the spectrum, we think it’s just me. On the other end of the spectrum, we think others are more important and we focus only on others. Common humanity is all about belonging. In self-compassion, we say I’m not alone. Others struggle in this way, too. It’s just part of being human. And as I mentioned in our last session, too many of us focus more on others and ignore ourselves. 

In common humanity, everyone belongs. Everyone matters. No one is left out. So while in self-compassion, we say, I’m not alone in compassion. We recognize just like me. Just like me. This person feels sad, scared, lonely, just like me. This person wants to be happy and free of suffering. Common humanity helps us to bridge from compassion for ourselves to compassion for others. It creates the foundation from which we can relate to what the other person is feeling and what they need. To do that, to move from compassion for ourselves to compassion for others, we need to tend to our own suffering, but we also need to hold it with an open hand rather than a closed fist. If we get so attached to noticing our own suffering and our world and practice becomes absorbed in our own suffering and what we need, we move out of true common humanity. The secret sauce in common humanity is humility. 

Merriam-Webster defines humility as the quality or state of not thinking you are better than other people, the quality or state of being humble. Not only are we not better than other people, we’re also not more important. Humility reminds us that there are others who may also be having a difficult time and need kindness. In my work with couples, I often find that people are so focused on their own suffering and what they need that they fail to notice that their partner is also having a hard time. They focus on how much they’ve been hurt and what they want from their partner, but they leave no space for their partner who is also hurt and needs kindness and understanding. 

Not only is this unfortunate for their partner whose feelings and needs are not getting any care, it’s also bad for the person who can’t see their partner’s pain. When we notice that our partners are in pain and we take the time to hear them and understand what is happening for them, we gain perspective. We come to see that their behavior wasn’t actually about us. It wasn’t about how lovable we are or how much they do or don’t love us, which is a really hurtful way to hold things. Instead, we see that their behavior is really saying that our partners are struggling in some way. They withdrew, for example, because they didn’t want to take a chance that you wouldn’t care about them or that they wouldn’t matter. When we can understand that they just got scared. It’s not that they didn’t care about us. It usually comes as a big relief. And often we can relate to their feeling and it softens us in some way. We don’t get to that without some humility. We need to recognize that we’re not less important than anyone else. But we also need to recognize that we aren’t more important either. 

The bridge to compassion is paved with common humanity, humility, and curiosity. Everyone deserves our love and attention. When we hit a relational impasse, we tend to ourselves first so that we can find our center and ground ourselves again. But we can’t stop there. Compassion for self alone is incomplete. Remember that the other person also wants to be happy and free from suffering just like you. You may find that when you tend to their situation with curiosity and kindness, you end up feeling better than with self-compassion alone. Relational repairs require tending to everyone. 

That’s all for today’s episode. I hope you enjoyed it. It’s part of a three part series. In our next episode, we’ll explore more about having compassion for others and how that benefits our relationships and ourselves. And if you’d like a free practice to support each episode as well as a notification when the next episode is released, you can join the well connected relationships community on the Wise Compassion dot com website. It’s free to join, so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.