• Why you might be suffering because of the invasion of Ukraine – even if you’ve never been there and don’t know anyone there. (2:56)
  

• What Ukraine has to teach us about being human and how we are wired. (3:46)

• The silver lining to the discomfort we are collectively feeling. (4:01)

• Something each one of us can do to self-soothe when our discomfort is too much to bear. (4:12)

• What growing up with an illusion of control tricks our brains into believing – and what’s actually true. (5:47)

• What we are tempted to do when something bad happens that doesn’t offer us (or anyone else) relief. (6:00)

• What’s actually helpful to do to support ourselves and others when bad things happen. (7:46)

• When gentle compassion is the best choice and when fierce compassion is better. (9:18)

• Why practicing compassion is never weak – it is always the strongest response. (9:45)

• What highly empathetic people in their own distress should do as a first step to helping others. (10:49)

• Practical suggestions for how to help make a real difference in our lives, our communities and the world. (12:48)

• Examples of how people in Janina’s life have made her feel seen and cared for while her home country is in distress. (15:39)

• The awesome power of kindness and the ripple effects it can have around the globe. (17:35)

Michelle [00:00:02]

Hi, I’m Michelle Becker. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, an international compassion teacher. And you’re listening to the Well Connected Relationships podcast. Together, we’ll explore how compassion changes the way you relate to yourself and others. And we’ll give you the tools to change your relationships for good. 

Hi, everyone. I’m Michelle Becker, and you are listening to the Well Connected Relationships podcast. In today’s episode, we’ll be talking with Dr. Janina Scarlett about our interconnectedness, why the situation in Ukraine is causing distress, even for those of us not in the war zone, and how to access wisdom and compassion through the practice of compassion. Dr. Janina Scarlett is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, TEDx speaker and a full time geek. A Ukrainian born refugee, she survived Chernobyl radiation and persecution. She immigrated to the United States at the age of 12 with her family and later, inspired by the X-Men, developed superhero therapy to help patients with anxiety, depression and PTSD. Dr. Scarlett is the recipient of the Eleanor Roosevelt Human Rights Award by the United Nations Association for her work on superhero therapy. Her work has been featured on Yahoo! BBC, NPR, Sunday Times, CNN, CW, ABC, The New York Times, Forbes and many other outlets. She regularly consults on books and television shows, including HBO’s The Young Justice. She was also portrayed as a comic book character in Gail Simmons seven days graphic novel. Dr. Scarlett is the lead trauma specialist at the Center for Stress and Anxiety Management and with the Pop Culture Hero Coalition. She authored ten books and has written chapters for 14 others. Her books include Superhero Therapy, Harry Potter Therapy, Therapy Quest, Dark Agents, Superwomen. It Shouldn’t Be This Way and many others. Her latest book, It Shouldn’t Be This Way, is particularly timely and relevant to the war in Ukraine. On a personal note, I’m happy to call Janina a friend, and I’ve watched with great delight as the world has discovered her talent and received the gifts of her good heart and brilliant mind. Welcome, Janina. Thanks for joining us.

Janina [00:02:18]

Oh, my gosh. I was holding back tears. Thank you so much, Michelle Thank you for your warmth, for your kindness. And I got to tell you, every time I speak to you, your words are like a warm hug. So thank you for that.

Michelle [00:02:34]

Janina, It’s so good to be connected. So good to be connected. Well, I’m really especially I’m always happy to see you and talk with you. But I’m especially excited today to talk with you about, you know, what’s happening in Ukraine and the effects that it has on us and and and how we can be with that. Maybe we could start by talking a little bit about why things like the invasion of Ukraine caused such suffering to those of us around the globe.

Janina [00:03:05]

Yeah, no, absolutely. Thank you for asking that. You know, I think. Every single person is affected by this. You know, for me, as you mentioned earlier, I was born and raised in Ukraine. This is my home country and I am absolutely shattered over this. But I think even if people have never been to Ukraine or even if they don’t know anyone who is Ukrainian, seeing this kind of suffering brings up our own suffering, our own distress. And that is because we human beings are interconnected. 

We’re born for belonging and connection. That’s how we’re wired. And seeing suffering in other people elevates an empathic response in our bodies. As painful as it is, it’s actually adaptive because it encourages us to take action. It encourages us to care that pain that we feel is pushing us to take action. And what’s really interesting is that when we do when we take an action to help other people, our body rewards us by giving us a boost of a hormone called oxytocin that provides a soothing effect against that empathic distress. And I find it fascinating that we are built to care. We’re built to experience pain for and with other people, and that we’re meant to experience this reward for caring because we are so interconnected, because we’re wired for love and belonging.

Michelle [00:04:51]

Yeah. So we’re wired for love and belonging. And I think what you’re saying is that also means that we’re wired to care for each other.

Janina [00:04:59]

Absolutely. Absolutely. What affects one person on the other side of the world affects us, too. And especially if we can read their stories, see their face, hear their words. It’s devastating to us, too, because we want to help. And I think it’s a wonderful human trait. It’s what allows us to survive as human species.

Michelle [00:05:23]

Yeah, that makes so much sense. You know, in your book, which I am in the midst of reading and just absolutely loving your book, it shouldn’t be this way. You talk about what to do when we don’t have control over the situation and you talk about the illusion of control. Can you say a little bit more about that?

Janina [00:05:44]

Absolutely. We might grow up with this illusion of control. We might think that so long as we do everything right, we can prevent bad things from happening. And this illusion of control can sometimes become even stronger when something bad happens. If, let’s say we were in an accident, like, let’s say in a car accident, if we lost somebody we cared about, we might think if only I had done something differently, this terrible thing wouldn’t happen. And it’s true that some things are within our control, but other things are not. And I think that by blaming ourselves or others about things that in some situations could not have been avoided, we might sometimes lose focus of what’s really important and it might get in the way of our grieving process.

Michelle [00:06:41]

Yes, absolutely. How how does it get in the way of our grieving process?

Janina [00:06:45]

When we focus on the illusion of control, we focus on whose fault it was. We focus on blame a lot of times on ourselves, and we stop looking for solutions. And we might not allow ourselves to feel sad to grieve because we’re so focused on blame. And if we’re able to observe the the fact that perhaps in many situations we don’t have control, to sit with, perhaps the fear of that uncertainty with the grief of what came up when we lost something or someone, we can actually not only find the soothing and kindness that we need for ourselves, we can start looking for more options to move forward to, to connect with ourselves and what’s really important to us. 

I think that the illusion of control creates kind of tunnel vision and it prevents us from seeing the broader picture. Whereas the willingness to sit with whatever grief or pain is showing up in a particular situation can actually, over time, give us give us a broader perspective of what happened. And also. What we can do to support ourselves and others.

Michelle [00:08:14]

Yeah. So I really appreciate what you’re saying here, Janina, especially about how important it is to open to our grief and how opening to our grief really allows us to open to the other possibilities and to begin to meet what is arising in ourselves and others with with a wisdom and a compassion. When it comes to compassion, I think a couple of I think of compassion in a few ways. I think of compassion as a strong compassion, strong back. As Roshi Joan Halifax talks about. And compassion is soft compassion, soft front. When I think of compassion this way, I think, you know, sometimes people are confused about compassion as just soft and fluffy. But really compassion also has a stronger side. And we’re seeing the people of Ukraine actually engage in that strong or some people call it fierce compassion when they’re taking arms up, arms to protect their country. So can you say more about how to know which to use when?

Janina [00:09:17]

I think a big part of it is depending on need, right. I think that sometimes when somebody is suffering, I think that we need a gentle compassion if we can be with the person who is suffering. But if we’re seeing someone who’s being wronged, I think that’s when we need the fierce compassion. That’s when we need to stand up for that person or stand up for what’s right. And I think both are important. And I think that compassion is never weak. I think compassion is always the strong response. But it might present differently. Compassion might be comforting a crying child. It might be comforting a person who is bereaved. Or it might be standing in front of a tank and letting the people know that they’re not allowed to pass. And I think that’s compassion, too. That’s that’s standing up for the people who have been wronged, for the people that are suffering.

Michelle [00:10:25]

Oh, that’s so beautifully said. So what do we do when we don’t know what to do to help? Because, you know, in some of these situations you’re talking about, it’s it’s kind of clear, right? There’s a crying child next to you, kind of clear what to do to help. But what about, you know, for those of us who are a little bit farther away and we’re not sure what to do to help, what can we do then?

Janina [00:10:48]

I think the first thing that we can do is to notice what’s coming up for us, because for so many of us observing this from the other side of the world, myself included, we might experience something called empathic distress, and that’s when seeing other people in pain brings up our own distress. And it might be so painful, we might be so overwhelmed with grief that we might feel helpless and we might feel tunnel vision. And so even though we really want to help in that moment, the best thing that we can do is to even name our experience, for example, to say, I am really struggling right now. I’m grieving or I’m in empathic distress. And it might mean taking some time to honor our own grief first. And I like to call it making an appointment or a date with our grief. And it might look like this. We might sit and imagine that we’re hugging our grief almost as if our grief is a crying child that we get to hold and soothe as it cries. And we cry. As we cry, we allow our body to be soothed by numerous hormones like oxytocin, which was that soothing hormone I mentioned earlier. And we, over time start having a broader perspective. As we can soothe our own pain, that tunnel vision falls off and then it might be easier for us to see that there are things that we can do. 

An expression I like to use on a daily basis as a reminder for myself and others is there’s always something you can do. Up until our very last breath, there’s always something we can do. And it doesn’t necessarily mean taking up arms, although that’s one way to help. It might mean donating, although that’s not the only way to help either. Sometimes sharing information is the most helpful way that we can support other people. Sharing information on social media is allowing people to know what’s happening. It’s letting people know, hey, look, this situation is going on and these people need our help. Let’s let other people know so that more and more people are aware, so that some people who can travel there will, so that people who can make the donations do so that our government is aware. Sometimes it means checking up on our friends, whether they live in Ukraine, whether they live next door. By spreading global compassion, we are helping. By doing a meditation or a prayer, we’re sending these vibrations into the world where we are changing the energy of the world. And by doing that, we’re helping too. And so for any of you who are listening, I want you to remember this. There’s always something you can do.

Michelle [00:14:06]

Wow. Janina, that’s so important. And I, I’m especially taken by the sending out good qualities in the world. You know, when you were talking earlier about how we experience empathic distress, really, this is the opposite of, isn’t it? Isn’t it? When we pause and we care for ourselves and we allow the grief and we we give ourselves what we need and we move into a space where our hearts are filled with love and with care, and we send that out. We walk in the world with that and we send that out. We’re bringing a different kind of energy for people to catch, you know, one of care and concern rather than than distress.

Janina [00:14:54]

Exactly.

Michelle [00:14:56]

Yeah, that’s really that’s just really important. But one of the things I’m really interested in, I’m especially interested in is what we can do to support people we know who have friends and family in harm’s way because there are different degrees of suffering, right? The people who are in Ukraine experiencing the bombings, experiencing the the invasion and the death and the the shortage of food and medicine are experiencing quite a lot of distress. But those who are close to people maybe who aren’t in Ukraine, but who are close to people who are in Ukraine, are also experiencing a lot of distress. What can we do to support those people? People like you.

Janina [00:15:37]

Thank you. Honestly, for me, the most helpful thing has been people just, you know, even checking in, you know, by text, just, hey, I’m thinking of you or sharing things on social media that I post. I’ve been posting other people’s stories to let people know where the biggest crisis areas are in Ukraine, like in Mariupol, for example. And seeing my friends elevate that message really meant that I was being seen, that people cared about me and and the people that I cared about. 

I also think that being able to send, again, either a prayer or a compassionate meditation to that person can be really meaningful. That person might not necessarily know, and they don’t have to know that they’re the recipient of our kindness. But there’s a lot to be said about creating this protective kind vibration. And I am just absolutely enamored with the compassionate, breathing exercise where we breathe in for ourselves and we breathe out for others. I think it’s for me, it has been one of the most important and empowering meditations that I’ve ever done, and it’s one that I use on a regular basis and I encourage other people to use as well.

Michelle [00:17:13]

Absolutely. Well, include how to do that in our Compassion Builder email. Well, Janina, anything else that you would like to say about either the situation in Ukraine or how to support ourselves or each other?

Janina [00:17:29]

Yes, thank you. A couple of things. First of all, don’t ever underestimate the importance of kindness. It might seem like such a small thing, whether it’s to reach out to somebody, to send a text to say, Hey, I’m thinking of you, to offer some time and attention to someone, to have a conversation with that person. It’s actions like this that change your life. One of my best friends growing up was able to run away from Kiev a few days ago and she and her children were able to enter Romania as refugees. And she was in tears telling me about how kind people were at the border. Complete strangers welcomed her and her children with additional clothes. You know, she was only able to grab what she could and her children received free toys. And she said she won’t remember the names of the people that helped. But she will never forget their actions. She will never forget how they made her feel. 

And so I wanted to once again stress the importance of kindness sometimes. You know, maybe donating something to to other people or reaching out to somebody, even over text in kindness can mean a difference of life and death. When people are feeling helpless and hopeless, they might start thinking about suicide because again, of that tunnel vision, they might think they have no other options. But it is the kindness of other people that allows those those blinders to open, that allows people to see hope. Right. And feel hope. And so for any of you who are listening, I just wanted to remind you once again, there’s always something that you can do. And I wanted to let you know that chances are there are probably people out there who are alive today because of something kind that you did or said. But they might never think to tell you this because we don’t always think of things like that. But I just wanted to let you know that in every way that you are kind, you are helping other people. You’re saving people’s lives. And you’re making more of a difference than you can ever immediately see. You might not see the impact you’ve made on this person. You might not receive a thank you from them. And so I wanted to thank you on their behalf. So from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you. Thank you for your kindness. And thank you for being wonderful.

Michelle [00:20:19]

Oh, Janina. And I’d like to join you in thanking everybody for their kindness, because sometimes it’s even just seeing somebody through kind of eyes or a smile when people feel all alone and like they don’t matter. And to have somebody actually just look at you and see you with a kind face and kind eyes can make a difference.

Janina [00:20:41]

That’s it. Absolutely.

Michelle [00:20:43]

Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you so much for adding that. Is there anything else that you’d like to say?

Janina [00:20:49]

There’s nothing else I can think of. Thank you, Michelle!

Michelle [00:20:52]

Janina, it has been so wonderful to talk with you today. Thank you for being with us. It’s an honor to talk with you. And you’re doing such. You’re talking about kindness and compassion. You are a model of that. You are offering so much kindness and compassion in the world. And I just again, want to make sure that you’re including yourself in that, because self-compassion is important as well. Right. Then we can continue to offer compassion. So, anyway, thank you so much for being with us today. If you’d like to know more about Janina’s work, I highly recommend her books, especially her latest book, “It shouldn’t be this way.” It’s a favorite of mine. That’s all for today’s Well Connected Relationships podcast. Thanks for being here. And if you’d like to get our notes on the highlights of this episode, along with the simple practice you can use to meet situations like the tragedy in Ukraine, be sure to join our well connected Relationships community on the Wise Compassion website.