• Why we’re in a heightened state of stress (actually, distress) and the impact it’s having on our relationships. (0:47)
• What happens in our minds and bodies and when we feel threatened. (2:04)
• What Viktor Frankl says about the space between stimulus and response and how we can use it to foster choice in any situation. (2:54)
• When I was overcome with fear and how I moved into wellbeing. (5:42)
• The power of pausing, the opportunity it presents and what it uncovers. (7:26)
• What we can remember (and do!) when a family member or relation triggers us with behavior we don’t like. (8:18)
• One way to practice cultivating loving kindness toward others and yourself. (9:29)
• Taking kindness with you as you go about your day. 
• The power of seeing the positive and its potential impact on ourselves and our world. (12:24)
• A question to ask yourself as we move into the new year and why setting an intention for loving kindness matters. (13:00)

2020 was a challenging year, and that’s putting it mildly.  Between the pandemic, the political divide and diviseness, and the growing awareness of systemic oppression, the rise in white supremacy and other domestic terrorists; the effects of global warming, and the isolation of shelter in place directives, we’ve all been feeling the effects- although some of us have felt them more than others.  An extraordinary number of people have lost their lives, their loved ones, their incomes and their homes.  Food insecurity has risen exponentially.  On an individual level, our mental and physical health is at risk- more so than ever before.  On a relational level, domestic violence is up, as are divorces.  We are not just stressed, we are distressed. And our relationships are showing the strain.  On a global level, the rise in authoritarianism presents a threat to democracy in the same way that global warming presents a threat to the survival of our species on this planet we call home.  As 2020 comes to a close and we move into 2021, we are in crisis.  

The threats are everywhere.  And when we feel threatened, the amygdala, the primitive part of the brain near the brain stem is activated, and the frontal cortex- which holds our ability to reason and plan- is deactivated.  We move into our threat/defense system.  Our bodies are flooded with adrenilyn and cortisol, as we get ready for the fight/flight/freeze response.  And we find ourselves in reactivity, much more than we ordinarily do.  The reactivity of the fight/flight/freeze response is great if we are in imminent physical threat, where fighting, getting away, or playing dead would be helpful.  But this very reactivity can actually exacerbate the problems we are having and make our situation worse.  So how do we work with our situation so that we make things better, instead of worse?

Viktor Frankel, was an Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist as well as a Holocaust survivor.  In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning he offers us a path out of reactivity.  He wrote:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space, in that space is our power to choose our response.  In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

We have a choice about how we respond, and how we respond changes everything.  When we first become aware of that space between stimulus and response a world of possibilities arises.  We are no longer puppets on a string, we are actually empowered to choose our own direction.  For example, your loved one- or a stranger for that matter- says something you find outrageous.  What would your usual response be- tell them off or tell them why they are wrong?  That’s the reactivity of the threat defense system- in this case the fight response.  Or maybe you put your head down and get out of there as quickly as possible- that’s the flight response- get away from danger as quickly as possible.  Or maybe you sit still and nod your head appearing to agree- that’s the freeze response- placating, letting them know you are not a threat in hopes that they will move on and you’ll be safe.  The threat/defense system is protection and safety seeking.  The problem is, in this situation it is unlikely to keep you safe- unless, of course there is domestic violence and a threat to your safety.  And if there is, then the threat defense system is appropriate- and please reach out to safe others, like the domestic violence hotline for help.  For most of us though, these reactions make the situation worse.  What actually happens when you launch into a hostile and defensive reaction to your relative?  Do they become less opinionated and aggressive?  Usually not.  And if you withdraw or placate, does that end the threat, or do they just feel more comfortable saying these things around you the next time?

When we notice, as Frankl suggests, the space between stimulus and response, we notice that we’ve just been triggered by something someone said and that the urge is arising to fight/to flee/ or to placate.  And we begin to recognize that we have a choice.  A choice about how we want to respond.  We recognize the threat.  We see that global warming is happening.  We see that systemic racism and other forms of oppression are happening.  And  we see that we are caught in reactivity.  We need to pause.  Not sit still or sit on the sidelines and allow things to continue to happen as they are, but take a moment to gather ourselves.  What is actually going on in us? 

Some time ago my son was home for a visit and I really wanted to spend time with him.  He and my husband wanted to go see a movie.  The kind of movie I don’t usually go to see, because I don’t like things that activate my threat defence system.  But, I wanted to spend time with them, so I agreed.  

So what have some of the most activating moments been for you this past year.  Grief.