• How taking a shower or tasting a peach is a bit like practicing compassion. (:52)

• How compassion is related to but slightly different from loving kindness – and why it matters. (2:06)

• What happens when the sunshine of compassion meets the tears of suffering. (2:22)

• A loving kindness practice that will prime your heart for expanding your capacity for compassion. (2:46)

• The practice of using yourself to sense and understand what someone else who is suffering needs from you. (3:28)

• Just like we have different love languages, how people like to receive compassion isn’t always the same. (5:36)

• A practice to become familiar with the nature of suffering – ours and others – while not becoming overwhelmed by it. (7:45)

• How to build the foundation of loving-kindness in your relationships. (8:10)

• Why compassion feels as good to give as it does to receive. (11:29)

Michelle [00:00:02]

Hi, I’m Michelle Becker. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist, an international compassion teacher. And you’re listening to the Well Connected Relationships podcast. Together, we’ll explore how compassion changes the way you relate to yourself and others. And we’ll give you the tools to change your relationships for good. 

Hi, I’m Michelle Becker, and you’re listening to the Well Connected Relationships Podcast. This episode is the third in a series of three episodes in which we explore compassion and relationships. In our first episode, we looked at how self-compassion supports relationships. In the last episode, we explored how to bridge from compassion for ourselves to compassion for others. In this episode, we turn our attention to cultivating compassion in our relationships. 

Have you ever noticed that the conceptual understanding of things isn’t really the same as the experience? For example, thinking about taking a shower and how the water washes over you as you soap up and rinse off just isn’t the same as actually standing in the shower, feeling the warmth and the pressure of the water as you soap up and rinse off. Or the description of a peach with the fuzzy skin on the outside, the hard pit in the middle, and the sweet taste in between isn’t really the same as biting into a freshly picked peach. Still warm from the sun. I think compassion is a bit like that too. 

The conceptual understanding of compassion is good, to be sure, but it just can’t compare to having the experience of compassion, whether one’s on the giving or receiving side of compassion. Compassion, I like to say, is the response to suffering. Or if the word suffering really puts you off, you could say difficulty. It’s concerned with the prevention and alleviation of harm, and it’s related to unconditional friendliness or loving kindness. But slightly different. Loving kindness or metta in the Pali language refers to the wish that all beings be happy, according to the Dalai Lama. Whereas compassion, he says, or Karuna in Pali, refers to the wish that all beings be free from suffering. Or as a meditation teacher in Myanmar puts it, “when the sunshine of loving kindness meets the tears of suffering, the rainbow of compassion arises.” 

I like that description. When our hearts are warm with kindness and we bump into suffering. Compassion naturally arises. So the first step to practicing compassion is to warm up our hearts. One way to do this is the practice of loving kindness. We call to mind someone who makes us smile and we allow ourselves to know how much we want them to be happy. Then we silently direct kind phrases toward that person like, “May you be happy. May you be peaceful. May you live with ease.” From there, we move on to an image of ourselves, a loved one, a neutral person, which is just referencing someone we know but we don’t have much feeling about. Maybe it’s a checker at the grocery store and you forget to notice them and then on to a person we find difficult. All the while wishing the same kind wishes. When I practice this loving kindness practice, I find it much easier to drop beneath the words to the experience. For example, when I wish “May you be happy.” I pause and remember what it feels like to be happy. What it feels like in my body and what it feels like emotionally. And then I wish for the person to have that. I do the same thing with the wish that they be peaceful and that they live in peace. 

Basically, I’m using myself as the sense door to the experience of the wishes because I had the good fortune to be born into this human body with all the senses, sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell, and with body sensations and emotions. I have the capacity to understand the nature of happiness, for example. My mindfulness practice helps me to know the absolute through the relative. I can understand the nature of happiness through my own personal experience of happiness. This also informs by understanding of common humanity. We’re all connected. We’re all connected as human beings, all with the capacity for this happiness and other states of being. 

It’s the same thing for compassion. I’m drawing on my own experiences of suffering to understand the nature of suffering. Although I haven’t had the exact same difficulties as another person, I understand what it feels like to be sad or to be scared or hurt, for example. And through my willingness to experience my own sadness, my own fear, my own hurt. I come to understand the nature of such things. I’m not projecting my feelings on to someone else. Rather, I’m using myself as a sense store to understand what may be happening for the other person. It’s the same as taking a shower or eating a peach. The description or conceptual understanding of sadness wouldn’t be nearly as helpful as my own experience of showering, eating a peach, or being sad. 

And I can use myself in the same way to gain some sort of idea of what might bring the other person some comfort when they’re having a hard time. I can sense into what would feel good to me if I were sad or scared or hurt. I have to be a little bit careful with this though, because not everyone will find the same things comforting. For example, some people are comforted with words and others with touch. Just as we have differing love languages. We may also have different preferences when it comes to how we want to be comforted ensued when we need it. It’s always good to use ourselves as sense doors to understand, but we must also look to the other person for clues to what would feel good to them in any given situation. When in doubt, we can always ask them if they have a sense of what they need right now. 

When we’re learning self-compassion. We often think of how we would treat others and use that to better understand what we ourselves need. And when we have a good, solid foundation and self-compassion, we can use that to understand what others may need. As we discovered in Part one of this series on how self-compassion supports compassion, opening to our own pain gives us the understanding of the nature of that pain. And self-compassion gives us the courage and resources to open to our pain. 

And then in part two of this series, we looked at how to bridge from self-compassion to compassion, especially the importance of common humanity and remembering to be humble. Humility reminds us that our own experience isn’t everything, and we’re not the center of the universe. It reminds us that others matter too. There are many things I have not personally experienced, which I have gained an understanding about because I have listened to others who have experienced those things. And I’ve learned from them what it feels like to experience these things. Of course, I’ll never know exactly how they feel, but opening to their experiences and allowing myself to be impacted by them has helped me to understand. 

So when it comes to practicing compassion, we must become familiar with the nature of suffering; our own and others. This may sound overwhelming, but when we buffer it by becoming familiar with the nature of kindness or caring about ourselves and others, it’s quite possible to hold the suffering without becoming overwhelmed. Rather, a rainbow of compassion can arise. Having this foundation of loving kindness really changes everything. It is this foundation that gives us the capacity to tend to people who are suffering without burning out. 

So a good place to start in cultivating compassion is to cultivate care for ourselves and others. When it comes to people we are close to, it’s helpful to make a practice of noticing them from time to time, as you remember. Just take a moment to look at them and become curious. If they’re talking, what are they saying? What’s important to them? What do they look like? How’s the posture? Are there any facial expressions or hand gestures? These are all clues to how they may be feeling right now. You can pause and notice them and notice what impact it has on you. This is really the practice of mindfulness. Tuning in to what is here in the other person and in yourself right now. 

Then you can remember that this person matters to you. Let yourself recall what you like about them and how dear they are to you as you look at them. You can remember that just like you, this person wants to be happy and free from suffering. Just like you. They don’t always put their best foot forward. That’s human, too. Just like you, they are hoping to be loved. Even with all of their flaws. If you can let yourself know how much you wish for them to be happy and free from suffering. 

And finally, as you look at them and look within, see if there’s anything they might need or anything you feel called to offer them. For example, if they look happy and your heart is full of love for that person, you might offer them a kind touch of some sort, if that feels right. Or maybe just a reminder of what you find endearing about them. This builds our foundation of loving kindness and our capacity for compassion when suffering arises. 

If they look sad or scared or hurt, see if there are any clues to what they might need right now. Perhaps your little one is scared and just needs to have a nightlight left on for them. Or maybe a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one or relationship. And you know that inviting them for a walk or bringing them a meal would be appreciated. Or maybe just a big hug and a kind ear as they talk about how they feel. The point is that when we take the time to notice our loved ones to remember how much they matter to us — we are all connected after all — and to offer them what they need right now, you’ll likely feel better along with them when we can do something to help. It feels much better. And please don’t underestimate the power of your kind and caring presence. Often, that’s the best, most compassionate gift we can offer. The point isn’t to make their pain go away — wouldn’t it be great if we could — but unfortunately, we often don’t have the power to make others pain go away. Rather, the point is to meet them there and hold them in your loving embrace. 

Compassion is simply love in action. What I know about compassion is that it feels as good to give as it does to receive. Both are open hearted reminders that we are connected and caring. As this year comes to a close and a new one begins. Why not strengthen yourself? Your loved one and your relationship through the practice of compassion. 

That’s all for today’s podcast. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. And if you’d like a free practice to support each podcast as well as a notification of when the next podcast is released, you can join the well connected relationships community on the Wise Compassion dot com website. It’s free to join, so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.