• Relationship dynamics that can drive a sense of dread at this time of year. (:48)
  
  
• How to identify what may be making you feel more sad, anxious, afraid or overwhelmed at the holidays – and how to validate and comfort yourself in those tender moments. (1:36)
  
  
• How to recognize that underneath feelings of holiday dread, there is something we really value and want – and tend to those needs with kindness. (2:51)
  
  
• The quintessential question in self-compassion to ask yourself. (The answer will help you offer yourself attention and care.) (5:01)
  
  
• How to use self-compassion and mindfulness to navigate any dread that arises for you at the holidays (or any time). (5:20)
  
  
• Ways to make the most of the moments of ease, rest and joy that are available to you during hectic times. (7:44)
  
  
• What to remember when you need to say “no” to something or someone – and how to do it with grace. (8:16)
  
  
• How to set healthy boundaries with others from a place of clarity and kindness (instead of a place of blame, fear, or ego). (9:02)
  
  
• How to set up resources to support yourself, including what to ask for from a partner or friend. (10:01)
  
  
• A favorite piece of advice from Rick Hanson to help you notice, savor and take in feelings of joy and connectedness when they arise. (13:00)
  
  
• A surefire way to invite more joy, generosity, kindness and love into your life – and it feels good, too. (13:13)
  
  
• A heartfelt holiday message from me to you. (14:36)

Episode #26: HOLIDAY HARMONY

As the holidays approach, do you find yourself anxiously looking forward them, or perhaps just anxiously dreading them?  Or maybe some combination of the two.  

Holidays, are traditionally times when we gather with friends, family, and community.  In other words, holidays increase our time with others.  And relationships can be the best of times and the worst of times.  Both harm and healing are possible.  And because we value relationships we often find ourselves running around preparing, so that people will think well of us.  A clean home, a wonderful dinner, the perfectly thoughtful gift.  Too many gatherings and celebrations so that no-one’s feelings are hurt.  We can run ourselves ragged. Really, it can be all too much. 

Or maybe you find yourself on the other end of things.  Feeling all alone, while it seems everyone else is celebrating and happy.  Or feeling the effects of the loss of a dear friend, spouse, or other family member.  Grief at the holidays is quite a lonely feeling. 

And then there is the dread of being expected to interact with others who plow right over you and your needs or don’t come through for you.

Rather than getting caught up in anticipation of the holidays, take a moment to see where the dread may be coming from.  What is it you fear will or won’t happen?  Maybe you’re afraid you’ll be run ragged with all of the demands and expectations of the holidays.  Or maybe you’re afraid you’ll be overwhelmed by the grief of having lost a loved one.  Maybe you fear the feelings of loneliness as you see those posts of others seemingly so well connected.  Or maybe you anticipate the pain of being with someone who dismisses, or criticizes you.  See if you can identify what it is for you.  Then validate that fear.  With kindness and understanding like you might offer a dear friend, you can say to yourself, “Oh, I see, I’m afraid of feeling like I don’t matter.  That makes sense.  And when I run myself ragged to please others and avoid rejection, I’m actually treating myself like I don’t matter.  That’s really hard.”

This is often the first step to self-compassion.  Recognizing our current fears. Becoming aware of what we are caught in right now.  This is mindfulness.  And we can go deeper in our understanding too.  Underneath those fears is something we value.  It may even be a universal human need.  For example, if you are fearing loneliness, underneath that may be the need to be connected, to belong.  Or maybe to feel worthy of connection.  Underneath grief may be the need to feel safe with our sadness, to find a steady place inside yourself, to feel connected again. Underneath the fear of being run ragged may be the need for ease, or the wish to be important, to be seen and valued.  Underneath the fear of being dismissed or criticized may be the need to be safely connected to others.  To matter. Perhaps you have a sense of that deep need underneath the fear or dread.

It helps to recognize that these are universal human needs.  We all need to feel safe, connected, to have space for our own needs, to matter and to belong. You are not alone in your desire for these things. Rather than feeling all alone with these needs, it’ skillful to take a moment to recognize that your desires are just a part of being human.  You are not alone with them.  That’s a good second step in self-compassion, recognizing our shared common humanity.  Perhaps you might say to yourself, “I’m not alone with this.  This is what it feels like to lose a loved one, or over function, or feel disconnected or unsafe in relationships.”  And in recognizing the universal nature of these struggles and underlying needs we can hold it more spaciously.  It isn’t personal, though we feel it personally.  It isn’t a personal failure.  And we aren’t alone.  

Still, when we recognize what we value and our universal human need, we have an opportunity to meet that with some kindness.  That’s the third step in self-compassion, offering kindness to ourselves in these situations.  Take a moment to ask yourself what would actually be kind right now.  The quintessential question in self-compassion is, “What do I need right now?”.  And then the action part is, as best we can, giving ourselves what we need.  Let’s look at that for a moment.

If you’re feeling lonely, for example, and you discover a need for connection, you can start by offering yourself your own attention and care.  You might begin to check in with yourself several times a day, with curiosity, wondering, “How are you right now?”. “What do you need?”.  Maybe you find you’re tired and need a rest.  Or maybe that you need to go outside and connect with nature, or go for a walk, exercise. It may be surprising how much less lonely you feel when you take the time to see and care for yourself.  Still there may be a desire to connect with others.  If so, how might you begin to meet that need?  Is there someone you can reach out to?  Perhaps there is someone you know who might also be feeling lonely and would appreciate you reaching out to them.  Or volunteering to help those in need in some way may be a way to feel less isolated.  Often offering others what we ourselves need is a good way to feel more connected.  

Or if you’re feeling grief, you may find that you need a safe other, or others who can be available to connect and listen when you feel flooded and disoriented. Or maybe you find that you actually need some alone time to feel what you feel and let the grief and sadness flow through you.  Maybe you need to release yourself from the expectation of happiness at the holidays, or other expectations.  And it might help to remember that others are there for you when you need them.  You are still loved, and there is space for your sadness.  Maybe you also need times of normalcy or laughter.  If you ask yourself what you need, sometimes moment to moment, you’ll have a sense of what feels right at this moment.  Gradually, through making space for your changing needs, you’ll make your way through the grief.  Not that there won’t always be grief at loss, just that it won’t always be as overwhelming as it is right now.

Or maybe you’re feeling run ragged and you feel like you just need some space to be.  Some space to be yourself and tend to your own needs, like ease, rest, balance.  Often we get caught in doing too much without recognizing our own human needs. A writer I like, Jen Louden, refers to this as, “Having a human sized life”.  Here again, you might be curious about what you need.  And also what is keeping you from giving yourself what you need. Maybe there are opportunities for ease and rest that you are missing.  Are you taking a moment to savor that cup of tea in the morning?  Or to notice the beautiful sunset, or the feel of slipping into clean sheets, and under a warm blanket at night.  Taking time to savor that which we long for helps us to get our needs met, without adding anything else to the schedule.  Make the most of the moments of ease and rest, joy even, that are available to you as you go about your days.  And the other side of things may be a need to say no to more things.  When we say no to something we are saying a deeper yes to something else.  What do you need to say no to to say a deeper yes to rest and ease?  Does saying no to some of the holiday gatherings allow you to say a deeper yes to time with your partner, or your family or dear friends?  Does it allow you to show up in the relationships that are dear to you in a way that feels rested and you are able to really connect, rather than feeling overwhelmed, irritable and distracted?  See what it is for you, what you value, what you want to say yes to, then let go of the guilt and fear of saying no to whatever is getting in the way, as best you can.

One place that feels extra important is how to set boundaries with those we dread seeing because we end up feeling dismissed, criticized, devalued or unsafe. If you are physically or emotionally unsafe, it helps to remember that allowing others to harm us is not compassionate.  It’s easy to see that it isn’t compassionate for us, but it also isn’t compassionate for the one who is doing the harming.  That person is creating harm for us, but also for themselves and in their relationships.  As best we can, we don’t want to participate in harmful situations.  That may mean abstaining from visiting with them unless and until the situation improves.  Or that may mean setting a limit with them in terms of the visit itself, I’ll come for dinner, but I’ll be staying at a hotel.  Or maybe it means setting a limit such as agreeing in advance that certain topics will be off limits.  What is it you need to feel safe?

It may also help to set up resources, including allies.  For example, having your own car so that you can leave if the situation devolves.  Or having a discussion, in advance, with your partner or another friend or family member asking them for what you need if the situation you fear arises.  You might ask them to check in with you periodically, or to simply stand next to you, or to interrupt the conversation and take you away from the situation, or even to stand up for you by saying it isn’t okay to talk to you that way.  You’ll need to consider what is doable for your ally, and also, what is enough to make you feel safer. Considering what you need, in advance, and then creating a plan and gathering resources and allies can really be helpful here.  And tending to our own safety makes it much easier to see that their unskillful behavior isn’t really about us, even if we are the target.  It’s really a reflection of the underlying pain of that person’s life and their lack of skillfulness.  So, often, even if we need to put them out of our lives, we don’t need to put them out of our hearts.  We can continue to wish that the conditions of their lives, including their capacity for empathy and compassion, improve for the good of all.  And, when we can do that, it feels much better than continuing to carry fear and resentment.  Of course, the capacity to keep ourselves safe, makes that much easier- not necessarily easy, but easier to accomplish.  Then we can boundaries not from a place of blame, or fear, or ego, but from a place of clarity and kindness.  Thing often go much better when we can do so.

Okay. So I’ve talked about many situations of holiday dread and how we can work with them by first opening up to our fears about the situation and becoming curious about our underlying human needs and values.  This is the mindfulness part. Then holding that in the context of our shared common humanity.  This is how it is when we long to belong and fear rejection, for example.  None of us is alone with that, after all.  This is the common humanity part. And finally, opening with curiosity to what is truly kind.  Asking ourselves what we need right now.  And then, as best we can, tending to our own needs.  And this practice of self-compassion actually makes it possible to enter more deeply into healthy relationships. When we don’t tend to ourselves, when we leave our needs outside, we also leave ourselves outside of the relationship.  While on the surface we may appear connected, if we don’t bring our true selves to the relationship, who is it that is actually in the relationship?  We need to be fully present to have satisfying relationships.  

And when we do have satisfying relationships, do we remember to take them in?  Maybe you’re actually looking forward to the holidays.  Maybe it is a time of ease, joy and connection for you.  If so, that’s wonderful.  Please take some time to, as Rick Hanson says, “take in the good”.  You can also do that by becoming mindful of what is happening for you in the present moment.  Noticing how lovely it feels to feel loved or loving, to have space to laugh, and to celebrate together, to have the privilege of being able to offer true generosity, whether that is a meaningful gift, or a simple gesture of kindness- a smile, or a kind deed for someone else, for example.  Then holding that in the context of our shared common humanity- this is what it feels like to feel loved, generous, experience joy.  I’m not alone with this either.  Perhaps even wishing, may all beings know joy and the causes of joy, for example.  There is a saying that what goes around comes around.  Joy, generosity, love is like that too.  The more we offer them, the more the world offers them to us.  Kindness to ourselves and to others begets more kindness.  That’s the kindness part.  Take them all together and you’ve got a great start on well-being in our relationships over the holidays, and into the new year.  When you find yourself in a situation you enjoy, take a few moments and savor that experience.  The more deeply you let positive experiences like this in, the more you re-wire your brain to notice the positives and the happier you become.  

Wherever you are this holiday season. Whatever your experience.  Your needs matter.  You matter.  Please take care of yourself and give yourself what you need.  As my friend and colleague, Lorraine Hobbs, says, “Self-compassion helps us gently touch our own hearts with kindness, so that we can be available to the hearts of others.”